Subtle Signs It might be Time to think about divorce

While some may believe that the signs a marriage is ending may be obvious because of infidelity, tumultuous arguments or addiction, deciding that it’s time to call it quits is difficult. The signs that it may be time to ask for a divorce can be subtle, and may develop in the midst of seemingly inconsequential everyday occurrences. 

Couples who participate in therapy and are willing to do the work necessary, may find that they are able to reset a marriage’s course. However, couples therapy is not for everyone, and sometimes even after therapy, couples may realize that divorce is the best option.

Here are some signs that you marriage may be headed for divorce:

Lack of communication

Humans have a biological need to feel seen and heard by the important people in their lives and communication may be the most important factor in a healthy relationship.

When communication breaks down or erodes to almost nothing, you may feel lonely even in the presence of your spouse. If you think your partner does not show interest in you, for example, by asking questions, validating your feelings or seeming curious about your thoughts and ideas, that lack of communication can leave you feeling unseen and unheard.

When couples stop communicating with each other, they are unable to express their thoughts and feelings. A breakdown in communication may leave important issues unresolved, and may be a sign of disinterest or lack of investment in the marriage.

A decrease in communication by one spouse may be a sign that the spouse feels distant and may be detaching from the relationship. The spouse may begin to refuse to engage in shared responsibilities, start sleeping in another bedroom, or they may stay out late more often. 

Dirty fighting

Fighting can be a healthy form of communication that can actually increase intimacy and increase a couple’s sense of connection. However, dirty fighting can, and often, will erode any relationship. Name calling, blaming, gaslighting, condescension, insensitivity and making generalized statements about the other, distract from the real issue, and often, inflame an already heated situation. 

Dirty fighting is a high conflict approach to disagreement and leads to contempt, disdain and lack of respect.  Dirty fighting is part of a negative cycle that breeds resentment, causes a major breach in the relationship and is a sign that a marriage is headed for divorce. 

Lack of intimacy

During the course of a marriage, it is predictable that sexual attraction or desire for sex may fluctuate. Sometimes couples may experience temporary stretches without any sex at all. However, going months or years without any intimacy (affection, touching, a feeling of connection with the eyes), may be a sign that the marriage is on the rocks.

You fantasize about life after marriage

Deciding to get divorced is one of the scariest and most difficult decisions you can make and, often, divorce is messy (even in the best of circumstances). Fantasizing about the freedom you may feel or the excitement you may experience if you were not married might be normal in a healthy marriage. However, if you feel scared about the process of divorcing your spouse, if you are aware of the impact divorce will have on your life and the lives of your children, and staying married still sounds scarier than leaving the marriage, it is probably time for you to end your marriage. 

Conclusion

Emotional and physical detachment are well known signs of an unhappy marriage and contribute to a lack of communication and intimacy. Ongoing detachment may be a sign that values have changed or that you and your spouse have grown apart. If you believe that you have done everything you can to try to stay married and you are out of resources, divorce may be the best option for you.

If you or someone you know is contemplating divorce or is interested in learning about divorce mediation, call Dr. Corey Hirsch at (310) 486-8842.