Protecting your children when your marriage is ending

Deciding to move ahead with divorce when you have children can be one of the hardest decisions you may ever have to make. When parents decide to divorce, protecting the children from the impact of divorce is one of the first and most pressing concerns. Parents often wonder how children will handle learning about the divorce, and how they will fare during and after the divorce process. Parents are concerned about how their children will cope with all of the  changes that occur with divorce and they worry about how divorce may impact the children long-term? 

You may have thought about how divorce will definitely negatively impact your children. However, in many cases, separating and changing the family dynamics can be the best long-term solution for everyone. Protecting children from the adverse effects of divorce is crucial. Here are some tips for protecting your children from the negative impacts of divorce.

TELL YOUR CHILDREN WHAT IS HAPPENING

Studies show that only 5% of parents sit down with their kids to explain what is happening when they decide to separate or divorce. And, nearly 25% of parents who are divorcing don’t say anything at all, which leaves children feeling confused, anxious and afraid. Talk to your children and tell them, in simple terms, what divorce is and how it will impact their lives. Offer your children the opportunity to ask questions and keep the lines of communication open so that they feel safe asking questions in the future. 

ACT LIKE GROWN UPS

Be discreet. Protect your children from conflict by resisting the temptation to fight openly. Keep legal documents in a place where children will not find them. Talk to other adults about legal matters or your speak to your ex-spouse privately, rather than having those discussions around your children. 

While the changes that occur during divorce may be painful for you, recognize that your children love you both, and parents who act out their conflicts in front of children put their child’s well-being at risk. Save your discussions about your divorce and co-parenting for times when your children are not around. 

ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO SPEND TIME WITH BOTH PARENTS

When parents are angry and in pain, they may think about trying to keep the other parent out of the child’s life. However, don’t punish your ex-spouse at your children’s expense. Studies show that children do better when they have a relationship with both parents. Children can feel very lost, confused or maybe even rejected when one parent is not involved at all.

While you might believe that your ex-spouse is not a good spouse for you, they may, in fact, be a great parent. Often, parents who were not as involved before divorce, actually become more involved with their children after separation, and the children benefit. As long as there are no safety concerns, parents’ combined influence promotes emotional stability, self-esteem and resilience. 

Develop a child-centered parenting plan that nurtures healthy and meaningful relationships with both parents, and work together to maintain both relationships. Kids who have relationships with both parents have a better chance of growing up well-adjusted. 

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILDREN’S NEEDS

While children are resilient and adapt quickly to change, studies show that children fare better with consistency during and after divorce. Keep up your regular routine as much as possible. If changes occur, stick to the new routine as much as possible. 

Encourage your children to maintain important relationships, such as with your ex’s family and other important people in their lives. Try to maintain relationships with babysitters or other child care providers. Preserving your child’s relationships creates a strong support network and strengthens your child’s feeling that they are not alone. 

BE RESPONSIBLE ABOUT CHILD SUPPORT AND SHARED EXPENSES

While you may feel angry and tempted to withhold child support or other expenses, make sure you keep up with your financial obligations. Economic instability can be one of the main stressors that negatively impact children during divorce. In addition, children face a multitude of changes during and after support. Do not make the situation worse by avoiding your financial responsibilities. 

Parents must work together to maintain the child’s lifestyle and to buffer the other changes that occur. Children fare better when parents work together to protect the children from financial changes. When parents keep up with their financial obligations, they send the message to their children that they are committed to keeping the children safe from conflict.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

You need to take care of yourself so that you are at your best when you need to take care of your children. If you are feeling depleted, depressed or anxious, you may not be able to provide the love and support your children need during and after the divorce. In addition, if you are not doing well, your mental health may impact your children. If you feel like you need extra support or if you feel overwhelmed with feelings of depression, anxiety or anger, seek the help of a professional for guidance.

Spend time with friends and family and spend time doing the things you like to do. Your children are watching you and, while you may not know it, they see what you are doing to handle the changes that occur. Be a role model for them by using healthy coping skills as you move through the divorce process

The steps parents take to protect their children from divorce may be unique for each family. Most importantly, parents must pay attention to and nurture their childrens’ mental health. Parents who work together to protect their children from potential harms that may occur during divorce, lay the groundwork for moving forward after divorce in a positive way.

If you are thinking about divorce and would like to know more about mediation, contact Dr. Corey Hirsch at (310) 486-8842.